I had a major throw back.
I was in PHP for 10 hours 6 days a week and I felt like I was making progress, so now is the last week before I have to go back to School and my job and I wanted to do the 6 hour PHP. However, my friend, who I met in treatment, confronted all of us on Monday with reality and her downfall. Her honesty and pain was so touching and it was eye-opening, too. No, I have not been binging and purging in over 2 weeks – and yes, this is a WOHOO! – but I have been restricting. I have not eaten breakfast or evening snack regularly or fully EVER since I started the Program. I have been plainly lying to myself. I have used new behaviors that were not as typical for me but still ED. I apologized in front of the group last night and checked myself back into 10 hour. Also my labs have not been as great so there was another reason to do so.
I am just so mad at myself and the disease. I want to be normal and enjoy my life.
I have worked through a lot in this program so far and I really want to get better, but I am scared about the future so much… I just wished I could control everything, my perfectionism is driving me crazy and is actually causing a lot of pain. I am handcuffed by it and I lost the keys in all this chaos it has created.
I need to get better.
I want to get better.
But it is just so incredibly hard.
Tags: ana, anorexia, anorexic, anxiety, bulimia, bulimic, depression, eating, eating disorder, eating disorders, ed, eds, mia, recovery, treatment, treatment facility
January 14, 2010 at 12:01 pm |
Hi there! I just stumbled upon your blog when I was looking for blogs about eating disorders. I would like to network with other bloggers like yourself
I really enjoy your blog! Keep up the great work and stay strong
~ anonymous ana ~
January 20, 2010 at 5:41 am |
I’m incredibly touched by your post. I cannot really explain why but that I understand and that your reasons are similar to the full reasons why I continue to do my group and search for other options (ex IOP, PHP). We will find the keys to our handcuffs.
February 27, 2010 at 1:00 am |
I read your entries and I too feel, think, obsess over similar things. I try to remember that Bulimia is just a symptom of something bigger(hate that word) but, you know what I mean.
I try to take it one meal at a time, but, sometimes, it just seems overwhelming…..it is overwhelming. But, I try to follow what my treatment centre taught me….surround my self with “like” people, attend 12 step meetings and really participate in self care….journalling, reading, affirmations…its easier said then done, but, man, does it ever feel good when I actually take care of myself.
Be kind and patient to yourself, somewhere deep within, is a beautiful goddess, waiting to be loved, waiting to be accepted, as is.
I struggle all day, every day, but, I know it will get less and less.
To be friends with food, all food, is something I fight with. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food since I was 8, now Im almost 35. I relate it to breaking up, but, I was breaking up with my ED. I felt sad, lonely, rejected, angry, and I had cried, all day, all night, days at a time. I have wished for it to come back to me, I feel empty without it. Crazy, eh? But, its the truth.
I remember in treatment (almost a year ago), feeling truly heartbroken. I remember laughing and crying at the same time thinking…. I feel like I just broke up with a boyfriend. But, my ED was with me since I was 8, so, it was I knew, it made me…I didnt know the real me. And now, I am getting to know the real Viva.
I hope to read more of your entries, wondering if you are okay?
Peace*Love* Happiness*
March 8, 2010 at 1:51 pm |
I can related and am hoping for the best for you. Treatment… is difficult, and oftentimes, it’s just as difficult to be honest to yourself when you’ve struggled with this ED for so long.