I’m getting close to 2 weeks free of binging and purging.
I have tried to use some DBT methods, like observing, breathing, wise mind and right now: urge surfing. Urge surfing is really idealistic. I mean… it’s like you have to hit the right wave and stay on it… I’m so ready to binge right now and I have even been able to observe this urge. I also feel the need to restrict and to work out. BUT I did not restrict, I had my evening snack (after at Treatment sticking to my meal plan). I had my 3 meals and 3 snacks. I feel full right now and this is also triggering for me to want to binge (and purge). I picked up a friend and brought her home, she is so skinny. She triggers me as well. So many things triggered me since yesterday, and I can pin-point them down, but I cannot get to the root of it all.
Monday, I had first strange thoughts running through my head. Very strange thoughts. And I cannot categorize them. I cannot see them clearly and I feel lost and scared. I am not sure, but I fear it has something to do with my past. I want to know what it is, but I am not too sure about finding out either.
I do know though, that I have been repressing a lot and I have talked a lot of things down towards myself.
I minimized my feelings, fears, problems and situation and my eating disorder was my way of coping with it.
So strange. Life is strange.
I wished I could just pop in a DVD and watch my life over again, so I understand, but I understand that it is up to me to find the pieces and put them back together. I guess, whatever I have been repressing, I have been repressing for a reason. I must have done so to make myself feel safe or maybe even to completely save myself.
But, now I feel like I need to know. I really do. Because without the understanding I cannot get to the roots of it all and may not be able to ever overcome what has kept me from being me and from living.
Tags: ana, anorexia, anorexic, bulimia, bulimic, depression, discover, discovery, eating disorder, eating disorders, ed, eds, mental illness, mia, past, trauma
January 9, 2010 at 6:56 am |
I understand–I wish I could just watch my life and figure it all out. Thinking about you!