Honesty and ED

I had a major throw back.
I was in PHP for 10 hours 6 days a week and I felt like I was making progress, so now is the last week before I have to go back to School and my job and I wanted to do the 6 hour PHP. However, my friend, who I met in treatment, confronted all of us on Monday with reality and her downfall. Her honesty and pain was so touching and it was eye-opening, too. No, I have not been binging and purging in over 2 weeks – and yes, this is a WOHOO! – but I have been restricting. I have not eaten breakfast or evening snack regularly or fully EVER since I started the Program. I have been plainly lying to myself. I have used new behaviors that were not as typical for me but still ED. I apologized in front of the group last night and checked myself back into 10 hour. Also my labs have not been as great so there was another reason to do so.
I am just so mad at myself and the disease. I want to be normal and enjoy my life.
I have worked through a lot in this program so far and I really want to get better, but I am scared about the future so much… I just wished I could control everything, my perfectionism is driving me crazy and is actually causing a lot of pain. I am handcuffed by it and I lost the keys in all this chaos it has created.
I need to get better.
I want to get better.
But it is just so incredibly hard.

Dealing with the past

I’m getting close to 2 weeks free of binging and purging.
I have tried to use some DBT methods, like observing, breathing, wise mind and right now: urge surfing. Urge surfing is really idealistic. I mean… it’s like you have to hit the right wave and stay on it… I’m so ready to binge right now and I have even been able to observe this urge. I also feel the need to restrict and to work out. BUT I did not restrict, I had my evening snack (after at Treatment sticking to my meal plan). I had my 3 meals and 3 snacks. I feel full right now and this is also triggering for me to want to binge (and purge). I picked up a friend and brought her home, she is so skinny. She triggers me as well. So many things triggered me since yesterday, and I can pin-point them down, but I cannot get to the root of it all.

Monday, I had first strange thoughts running through my head. Very strange thoughts. And I cannot categorize them. I cannot see them clearly and I feel lost and scared. I am not sure, but I fear it has something to do with my past. I want to know what it is, but I am not too sure about finding out either.
I do know though, that I have been repressing a lot and I have talked a lot of things down towards myself.
I minimized my feelings, fears, problems and situation and my eating disorder was my way of coping with it.
So strange. Life is strange.

I wished I could just pop in a DVD and watch my life over again, so I understand, but I understand that it is up to me to find the pieces and put them back together. I guess, whatever I have been repressing, I have been repressing for a reason. I must have done so to make myself feel safe or maybe even to completely save myself.

But, now I feel like I need to know. I really do. Because without the understanding I cannot get to the roots of it all and may not be able to ever overcome what has kept me from being me and from living.

Optimism to win over Bulimia

“Optimism” is my theme for the new year.
At the treatment facility our nutritionist had us pick a theme for the new year instead of writing a resolution (which in the past of course always dealt with unrealistic or unattainable and unhealthy goals…).

I have not been posting anything in here so far. I think this speaks for my process though.
Being in treatment 10 hours a day is extremely exhausting, sometimes frustrating, but also very helpful.
I realized again that it is ONLY me who can win this battle, nooneelse can or should do it for me. It is within me and I am optimistic. I want to overcome this for good.
I’m not going to lie to myself anymore and I am not putting on a face anymore. I am growing to be the person I am supposed to be, I am growing to be me, while I still really have to find and discover that self. I am excited though to finally reveal it. I am sure it will still take a while, but I will get there. No one can stop me. No Ana, Mia or anyone affiliated to them. I want ti be able to rely on myself, to take on own responsibilities and to live my life the way I want it to.
Everything will fall into place. I am optimisitic.
And to be honest I am grateful to have done this step to finally let go of my ED, because I have on this journey found great people, and can see the world in a brighter light. I am just scared that it could blind me. I am not sure how to lose my fear. But I am on the right way finally – that is how it feels like.
Life is a journey.
Bulimia will eventually turn out to have been a dark dark cloud in my sky but from today on I can really see the sun breaking through again.

almost two weeks

So, my second week at the treatment center is almost over and…. tonight is christmas… I had dinner. I had a subjective binge at dinner and and objective one just now. I feel so bad. I wished again I could turn back time.
Treatment is helping. I am glad I am doing it, but changing behaviors and dealing with life in the right way is just not easy.
I will purge.
I will feel bad until tomorrow probably mid day…

Turning back the time is not an option.
But I have to look ahead.
I may have “failed” tonight, but my life is not over yet.

I hate myself and my grandpa said I was great

I really really hate and dislike myself – inside and out and the only one believing in me is passing away… my grandpa. I love hiim so much I want him to be around forever!!! He is the only one ever believing in myself. I love hime. He is my hero. I could not imagine being without him. I love him.
Ok, so checking in.
CURRENT FEELING: I feel good actually. I had a few beers but I am doing ok.
HIGH: I have been able to push away purge urges….
LOW: My low is maybe that C. though we could be friends of benefits.

Fighting Bulimia for good.

I am done with her. My old blog had lost its spirit of actually being a tool PRO recovery. It was too negative lately and I neglected it, too, I have to admit. So, now I’m going a new way, for good. A positive way – small steps towards recovery…. I’m in a PHP program. I’m home at night and at the treatment facility during the day.
My day is well-structured this way. And I want to structure this blog as well in a more meaningful way.
Everytime I’m blogging, I’ll do a check in… like the following for tonight and will go from there:

Current Feeling: I am feeling content, but I also feel rejected and worthless.

High: I think was, when I found out, I could spend the evening by myself

Low: When this guy I went out with couple of times told me he was not ready for a relationship. Here is what bothers me: Please, tell me honestly you are not interested and don’t just be nice about it and all. I hate that. I can take the truth – much better than being lied at, or having to form my own opinion. Already sensing something but not hearing it from that person is just so wrong… and I cannot deal with the emotions it stirrs up. I feel betrayed, rejected, and I wonder why I deserve to be treated that way. I don’t understand it at all.

So, I guess what it again comes down to is the question whether I am good enough. Good enough to be here, to be who I am, to actually becoming myself. Why do I rely so much on others. I don’t understand.
I don’t want to depend on others for making choices, for being me, and certainly not to be happy, but I guess that is how I’ve always been. I mean, I always compared myself and I always felt like I need to please others, need to be acknowledged by others in order to be worth something.
I wished I was confident and strong or assertive and independent. But I really am not.

I really again feel like I cannot breathe, like all the power and eneergy is being soaked out of my body just because some guy again rejects me.
All I want is appreciation or ideally, love.
I actually think I am a lovable person, with a good heart and I care much about others. I’d always do anything for a guy I believe is right, and I guess that is the problem. I always see this kind of guy in anyone crossing my way… I try not to let this happen really but it does happen. Over and over again and over and over I am being rejected, disappointed or even hurt. It sucks. Do maybe I really suck so much?

So, I should set goals like maybe not meeting men for a while, or being a little picky? Or …?
I have no clue. Why do I actually want a man in my life? They only cause pain and trouble.
I should set realistic goals like, caring for myself, doing things only for myself and not for others. For example focussing on my recovery. That should be good.
I really want to be normal and healthy, but it seems like a very difficult and exhausting process and I just hope for a lot of strength on the way through. I need to turn inward and find that strength, because I know I am a fighter. The fire is still burning somewhere deep inside of me. I just need to find it, uncover it and set it free so it has enough oxygen to keep burning and so it brings the light and warmth back into my life.

Stay positive.

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